Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Running Circles

For starters, this P90X thing is really working. I've only done it for about a week now, but it has been working me out. Last Thursday I did the "Plyometrix" workout and it tore me up. I could barely walk for the next two days. It was pathetic. But obviously that means its doing something right? Next time that particular workout comes around though I think I won't push myself so hard. I can't remember a time I've ever felt that sore!

Lately I've been feeling pretty mellow. It seems to be a common emotion for me the past few years. I don't really feel sad, sometimes I do, but for the most part its just mellow. Its more a state of being, actually, than an emotion. Maybe I'm not doing enough in my life to feel that sense of fulfillment that maybe I'm subconsciously craving? I don't know... probably. I guess I don't live enough for the present. I'm too concerned about what I haven't done in days gone by or what I dream about doing in the future that I end up just sitting around in the mud not really doing anything for today. I get stuck in a melancholy, unproductive state of being. Even writing this I can feel something stirring inside of me with discomfort at the very thought of me wasting all this time that I could have been doing something meaningful with. I'm not content with mediocrity, but I think that maybe the past few years of my life have kind of shown otherwise. Maybe that's where my mild frustration lies. My outer sphere of life, the life that everyone around me can see me in and the life that my actions (or lack thereof) reflect, is so conflicting with my true desires. I guess the "real me," for want of a better phrase, is still struggling to surface through.

And yet, I know what the cure is: Quit feeling so blah and start doing something with my life. Quit letting old, hard dying habits rule my life! Quit writing about it and talking about it and just do. I won't be perfect. I will probably relapse many times and feel this same sort of state of being all over again, but I will do something today. Something that will make me feel good and like a consequential individual.

Just one day at a time...

4 comments:

Alison said...

I have a hard time feeling motivated, but only after I get home from work. I feel overwhelmed, and like I have the right to waste time, since I just worked so hard each day. And then my house ends up looking like a tornado went through it...
It's a tough thing to get out of. Do you go through cycles?

Curtis and Courtney said...

Julie, Julie, Julie... I feel for you, I really do. I've been in this particular situation before as well. I hope you can get yourself out of this rut. For the time being, grab a few friends or just one and go to the pool or something. Seriously, you should have some fun and laugh a lot. If you're still feeling this way, you should make up a list (remember your list phase back in, what was it? first grade? third grade? haha). Make a list of things that you would like to accomplish in the near future and just work towards acheiving those goals. I remember when I was planning the wedding it seemed like nothing else would make me happier until my wedding day. But, I stopped waiting for that to happen and I had fun up to that point; which, definitely made that day much more pleasant.

Clayton said...

Sounds like some normal feelings. Perhaps, if it goes on for a long time you should talk with your mother about it. It's probably nothing, but I could be something, too.

Kathi said...

Julie, you know i feel the same way sometimes..maybe worse..maybe better. When you feel like this i'm probably feeling the same way..we need to help each other! Laying out at the pool needs to become a set thing we do each week. I need to be better at cooking cause you are always the one doing that and I feel bad. So we need to just encouraging each other. I know that I'm different from you and stuff like that but I'm always here k? I know i'm such a girl and a psychopath but I really do (waving of the arms) you. come to me anytime and help me kick my own butt too. :)