Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Castle on a Cloud

I was thinking the other day about my life. Who I am/want to be. Where I am/want to be. What I do, what I say, and how all of it affects me and my goals. Then I started thinking about my goals. What are my goals in life? Do I even have goals?!


I'm not so sure I do. Sure there are things I want to eventually happen with my life, but I don't really have solid goals. At least not the typical goals that people have who are my age and demographic- school, career, family, etc.

As I was thinking about this I realized- I fear.

I fear trying, even planning, to attain goals. Not because I'm afraid of failing, I usually expect to fail. I'm used to failing. What I'm not used to is success. What do I do if I succeed? What do I do once I reach those goals? When failing has been such a constant in your life, even, in part, who you are- its a big thing to change that. Anyone who's ever tried to change can attest to that.

I'm sure some of you may be shaking your heads, wondering what the sam hill is wrong with me, "Not want to succeed? Who is this joker?" but I think this fear has been crippling any effort I may have half-heartedly thrown at those lofty goals I keep conveniently in the clouds.

This fear stems from other areas of my life as well, which I realized upon pondering this dilemma a bit more. However, I have recently made a few, even bold (for me), changes in my life that have shown promise of sticking which I think will help me on this new quest of mine- to conquer the fear in me.

It's a long road but it's the only road.